Take Back the Internet!

I'll Tell You How Fucking Come

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 16:54:00 -0400

How come Gawker never links to my tumblr when I post a photo of a cute puppy? I’m one of the top cute-puppy posters in the entire blogosphere, and what do I get? Readers: Please send more cute puppy photos. We’ll take back the internet yet.

K

The answer is simple: your posting of puppie pics on THE MOST IMPORTANT TUMBLR OF OUR TIME is a borderline felonious sham. It’s a thinly-veiled attempt to mix in CUTEZ PAHPPEE PIXZ (what the Internet IS for) with your typical prattling on about bogus intellectual frivolity (what the Internet IS NOT for). This tactic will not secure you the Internet.

The Internet is ours. Not yours. Stick to N+1. Stick to print, too. Leave the puppies to the pros.

Nothing is worse than the N+1 website, by the by.

"You condescending people should read my book"

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 12:15:00 -0400

Cripes:

Oh, youth. “Inscrutable youth,” as Elif says, “with your enormous sweatshirts and tiny telephones…” And your three published lines of poetry, your day jobs, your bright fresh faces, your future masterpieces—how haughty you are! How condescending.

Well let me tell you something, youth. You should read the speech Morris Binkel makes at the bottom of p. 73 of my book. Attend to it! This doesn’t mean that I turned into Morris Binkel or that you’ll turn into me. I learned from his mistakes; you can learn from mine. (Yeah, yeah, I know.) But the premise of your rebukes, the presupposition, here I’ll spell it out for you—that you will not waste your twenties—well, well … I thought so too.

You have confounded us, sir. How does one parody parody? Perhaps when we are as old as you (that would be in five weeks), we’ll have some idea. In the meantime, we will stick to not wasting our thirties, too, and writing things that make sense and don’t refute themselves—as part of our ongoing effort to TAKE BACK THE INTERNET.

How was your stupid fucking party, Keith?

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 09:40:11 -0400

Reviews from others have ranged from mockery to abject boredom. We’d like your personal take.

Lineup Changes

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 16:39:00 -0400

Come to think of it, our friend at toomuchawesome has a point regarding our imaginary dinner with Rue McClanahan and Dave Coulier:

I don’t know; that’d be a pretty awesome dinner.

We reserve the right to change our minds, here at TAKE BACK THE INTERNET. The stakes are simply too high for any other policy.

Hence, we opine that the roster of attendees to Gessen’s party tonight sounds just a bit more exciting than dinner with Keith Gessen and Kelsey Grammer.

The Starting Lineup for your Brooklyn Codgers

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 16:10:00 -0400

You answered one of our questions, which we appreciate. Sadly, the people you have listed are just a little more exciting than our envisioned dinner with Rue McClanahan and Dave Coulier.

There are five more questions here waiting, at least four of them deserving of answers. Hop to it, you fancy book-learnin’ boy!

The Pain Is All Ours

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 14:36:24 -0400

We are, to be honest, almost starting to feel bad for THE MOST IMPORTANT LATTE DRINKER OF OUR TIME. After all, if you were going to learn one thing—anything—in the Gawker comments section, it would be how to be funny (spoiler: mostly through liberal use of substance-abuse and sex jokes, with a smattering of truly awful puns). Instead, he comes up with this, a dialogue in which the conceit, apparently, is that someone wants very badly to not talk to him. Funny, as U.S. Acres creator Jim Davis once put it, because it’s true?

No. Funny, then, in a subtle, arty way, like in that movie Dancer in the Dark? Maybe. But probably not. Truly, as we noted in conversation the other evening, Keith Gessen has begun to remind us of a certain former Democratic presidential candidate—not because of his onetime relationship with Emily Gould (the so-called “Bill Clinton of the New York literary set,” except that she totally did inhale), and not because of his feminist appeals and commitment to improving the lives of white working-class people, but because every goddamn time we think he can’t possibly live up to our (admittedly mean-spirited) cartoonish expectations, he exceeds them. To wit, this bit about his own novel, from the aforementioned dialogue:

You wrote your book out of pain, and that’s why your book doesn’t suck. I don’t care what these people say.

We understand that he may be joking. We hope he’s joking. He’s got to be joking, right? And yet, it comes from the same dude who inspired this post three days earlier. One is reminded of a passage in which Neil Postman describes Eric Segal, author of Love Story, on a television talk-show set, sinking in his chair and muttering lamely, “My book was important. People felt something.” Of course, Love Story actually was kind of important—notable, anyway. Of course, that doesn’t make Segal, or anyone who sounds like him, sound any less pompous.

(Keith, when we wanted you to leave the comments the other day, it wasn’t because we were talking about “Keith Gessen,” rather than “the real you.” It was because we found what you had to say neither amusing nor enlightening. We can’t keep out everyone whose work fails to meet those criteria, but we think it’s fair to expect more from a purported member of the intelligentsia. Also: ANSWER OUR GODDAMN QUESTIONS.)

Housekeeping for Vanity

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 20:35:00 -0400

To ensure a prompt reply, we present the following, mainly to ensure you don’t miss the post below in the Google Alert you inevitably have setup for yourself:

keithgessen keith gessen gessen keith Keith Gessen KEITH GESSEN All the Sad Young Literary Men Ubertwat Self-Important Authors Sloane Crosby is More Well Liked Than Me N+1 NPLUSONE N PLUS ONE N PLUS 1 Namedropping I don’t get it How do I get a hold of the internet Ferecito KGessen Brooklyn Literary Scene NYRB Gawker Gessen How Do I Get Noticed by Prominent Authors THE MOST IMPORTANT AUTHOR OF OUR TIME Wham!’s Greatest Hits

Waiting For Godouche

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 20:28:28 -0400

Let’s be honest, Gessen: we both know you read this blog. However, you have not yet responded to the ~~six reasonable~~ — okay — five reasonable questions we have posted here regarding your soiree in Directly Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass (DUMBO).

We reason, then, that you don’t think these questions are being asked with the earnestness and seriousness becoming of THE MOST IMPORTANT AUTHOR AND MAGAZINE EDITOR OF OUR TIME.

These questions are serious. We would like to have them answered, preferably soon, so that we can determine whether we will make an appearance.

Please reply posthaste.

Questions about THE MOST IMPORTANT PARTY OF OUR TIME

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 10:42:51 -0400

What alcoholic beverages — if any — will be provided at your party?
What food — if any — will be provided at your party?
Who will be there?
Will music be played? If so, what artists?
What assurances do we have that this is not some elaborate ploy to kidnap your detractors?
Is there any required reading which we should complete if we wish to actively participate in conversations at this party?

Kid's Got Alligator Blood

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 09:32:17 -0400

Kid's Got Alligator Blood:

As Teddy KGB would say: “Lays down a monster.”

We’ll need a few minutes to digest Mr. Gessen’s latest post. More to come as the day progresses.

Take Note, Gessen.

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 10:01:00 -0400

Tom Wolfe’s anecdotes are far more interesting and winsome than yours.

Also, Max Abelson manages to insert an account of his first-hand interactions with a prominent literary figure without coming off as a name-dropping puppy eager for acceptance. You could learn something from this post:

abelson:

truly, the greatest thing in the world happened to me just now: tom wolfe phoned to talk about that interview i did with aby rosen (who basically called the writer an anti-semite). tangerine-flake streamline tom!! kool-aid pump-house bauhuas our hosue mauve glove mau-mauing wolfe!!

i told him that “the first tycoon of tean,” his essay on phil spector from 1964, is one of my all-time favorites. (it’s on my facebook profile, so, yeah, it must be true.) then he asked if he could tell me a phil spector story, and this is what came out of tom wolfe’s mouth and through the telephone and into my ear:

“we were having coffee or something to drink, i forget, at 2 a.m. at the plaza hotel. phil had this long hair, down to his shoulders—he’s a very strange looking guy—it’s, well, anyway, this was before longish hair was everywhere, it goes back. i could see at this table nearby, there were two couples, i remember, they were older people, at least in the 60s, they’d whisper at each other and look at phil and whisper at each other. finally this lady, tanked, comes over to phil and says, ‘alright, sonny, what’s your problem?’ and he said, ‘premature ejaculation, what’s yours?’ he didn’t bat an eye! he came back with it so fast.”

yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. then i told mr. wolfe about that amazing leonard cohen/phil spector ‘i love you’ quote, and mr. wolfe laughed, and then we said goodbye, and then i sort of wept with glee.

Tom Wolfe rules.

Ostentatious Esotericism

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 16:16:33 -0400

Guess who’s back with another scintillating update? You “gessed” it!

There are six paragraphs. Four of them are a verbal vomitorium of names and publications Mr. Gessen apparently wants very much to be associated with. There is no other explanation for this post.

We are not fooled. Neither is the internet.

Bad Education

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:43:07 -0400

From keithgessen.tumblr.com:

My readers ask the tough questions:

I think you might need to shore up the case for why one takes the battle over the independent judgment of literary and artistic merit to a place like Gawker. Does the existence of gossip rags somehow preclude the existence of any other form of criticism? Is gossip where ideology critique went to die (as you hint)? Is this what happens when you separate bad Marxist and sociological and gender lit theory from practice? That seems like the strong intellectual line to take, and addressing this is necessary for all the people like me who would keep urging you to let it go.

Uh, that’s right. The real toxicity of a lot of this stuff is precisely in its use of the language of progressivism—its claims to being anti-elitist, or feminist, or pro-gay. It is periodically those things, in individual posts. Overall of course it is the opposite of all those things. And really we should blame the universities, right? Because aren’t these political theories of culture separated from practice there, at the very start? And in that sense we’re reaping what we sowed, insofar as we supported that.

And yet isn’t it a more promising base from which to start than with those who would deny the connection of any politics to culture? It’s been deformed but couldn’t it be straightened? Am I speaking in riddles? As another reader once put it: “They got the same bad education as we got.” And now we’re stuck with one another.

Wow. My initial reaction is that Reader and THE MOST IMPORTANT AUTHOR OF OUR TIME sure said a lot in those paragraphs, without really saying much of anything. This is par for the course with Mr. Gessen, it seems. However, if there’s one thing we hope to have proven to love, it’s parsing his nattering.

What is he saying? I think it has something to do with his belief that the argument over culture and politics has been removed from the Great Halls of Society (think the salons of Paris ca. 1820) and has been reduced to pithy comments by the rabble on gossip blogs. I’m sure Mr. Gessen will correct me if I’m wrong.

I don’t see why this is such a bad thing. Should socio-political discourse be solely the realm of those moneyed and leisured enough to (even metaphorically) sit on leather couches drinking iced cocktails? Or, rather, would society benefit most from a conversation informed by the opinions of people from all walks of life? I suspect that even THE MOST IMPORTANT THINKER OF OUR TIME would agree with the latter, at least in public, for the sake of appearances.

And this is the real problem with modern (or post-modern) day liberals like Mr. Gessen: they claim the “language of progressivism” and pay a lot of lip-service to concepts like “anti-elitisism,” “feminism” and “pro-gay”. But, I suspect that beneath this sheen is harbored the very antithesis of the so-called “politics of inclusion”. To play armchair psychiatrist, I suspect Keith’s (capital L) Liberalism extends only so far as it remains just a vaporous concept for him to control — for him to toss about in converstaion with his friends - the self-proclaimed “cultural elite”.

Sorry we seem to be stuck on politics here. Our previous Tumble about rededicating this blog to its stated purpose was, sadly, a lie.

Pls keep me out of yr microfeud you cunt, thnx.

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 12:03:51 -0400

Naturally, we at TAKE BACK THE INTERNET have been fans of Alex Balk for quite some time now.

alexbalk:

If I can speak for the anonymous blogger who was TMFTML—and I think I can—I’m pretty sure he’d say that he was as big a fan of meta as the next guy (or gal!) but cack-handed, semi-ironic attempts to distract attention from one’s own well-known reputation for misogyny by expressing a sudden avowal of the beauty of sisterhood is more than a little unworthy and pathetic. Or, as he’d put it, “What a fuckin’ twat.”

Well put, sir.

Now What We Gonna Do?

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 09:38:00 -0400

From keithgessen.tumblr.com:

“Will I ever forget the moment I discovered “takebacktheinternet.tumblr” in my followers? “Ah!” I thought. “A fan site.”

It was not a fan site.

So, without further ado, I’ve decided to take the initiative and buy up all the potential tumblrs my less than enthusiastic followers might be inclined to one day occupy. These are:

[Ed note: unfunny Tumblr URLs have been redacted for your benefit]

I think that about covers it. Now what you gonna do?”

As for takebacktheinternet.tumblr.com, I think we’re going to maintain our efforts here to — you guessed it — TAKE BACK THE INTERNET. Or, rather, maintain our vise-like grip on said internet.

Keith has done an admirable job of perverting the purpose of this website, by bringing boring things like his Marxist politics and Nick Denton’s unfair labor practices into the fray. You have to admit, for the past couple of days, he’s really been setting the agenda. Own the agenda and you own the conversation.

No more. We hereby rededicate this site to its original purpose: underscoring the self-importance and rebutting the claptrap of Mr. Gessen and his ilk.

WE RESPOND TO THE MOST IMPORTANT TUMBLR-ER OF OUR TIME

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 13:53:00 -0400

In this Tumblr post, we see that Mr. Gessen has taken notice of our efforts here to TAKE BACK THE INTERNET, while cruising around followers of his Tumblr (keithgessen.tumblr.com). What an unexpected activity for THE MOST IMPORTANT NAVEL-GAZER OF OUR TIME!

Honestly, though, we are tickled to engage Mr. Gessen in an open dialogue. Perhaps we will all learn something about ourselves, WHICH IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING WE CAN DO IN OUR TIME. Rebuttal below.

“Shouldn’t twat be eliminated, strictly on feminist grounds, as a term of abuse?”

No.

“Anyway, [takebacktheinternet.tumblr.com is] worth looking at for a window into the minds of the techno-elite.”

You’re really overeager to anoint people (yourself included) as members of some sort of elite. Seriously. I believe you use the word in the sense of “a group of persons exercising the major share of authority or influence within a larger group”. I exercise no influence beyond sometimes sharing my input with a small and insignificant cadre of alcoholics as to where we will get drunk next. I suspect your domain is largely over a group of overeducated, underchallenged men and young women who take the word “literary” seriously. I don’t think this qualifies either you or me as “elite”.

“Tell the people who are getting moved out of my building in a gentrifying section of Brooklyn that there’s no such thing as “class” anymore.”

I’m not an idiot. I know what class means, in the socioeconomic sense, and I don’t think anyone believes we live in a truly “classless” society. However, I believe we live in a far less “classed” world than we did 20, 50, 100 and 1000 years ago. As for your outwardly-mobile neighbors, I would advise them to find cheaper digs, as they likely were doing when they first moved to Brooklyn. Brooklyn is almost nobody’s first choice in residence. Outer boroughs are largely populated with those who cannot afford to live in Manhattan. The near-suburbs are, in turn, populated with those who cannot afford to live in the outer boroughs. The pendulum on this situation moves backwards and forwards every few generations. It has nothing to do with class, and everything to do with the real estate market and the preferences of those who can afford to participate.

“Because he [Nick Denton] exploits your labor and keeps the profits for himself.”

If you’re concerned that writing the odd comment on a blog makes me a victim of exploitation, then the condition of exploited workers in this world has greatly improved.

“If you prod these people just a tiny little bit, this what you get:”

A little not-so-friendly-but-nonetheless-good advice – don’t use the words “these people”.

“The total refusal to acknowledge themselves as a class, with class interests;”

I heartily refuse to accept that Gawker commenters constitute a class. I know many Gawker commenters. They are writers, editors, lawyers, unemployed, underemployed, receptionists, consultants, professionals and non-professionals. That’s a pretty motley crew.

“[A] claim that because they don’t work in a factory they now have more dignity (because, you see, there’s no dignity in working in a factory);”

I never said, nor did I even insinuate, that people who work in a factory have no dignity. But your fervor to glean such a claim from my words is further evidence of your outdated Marxist worldview. Seriously – you sound like an over-the-hill political science professor. But are less likeable.

“[A] nd a total refusal to feel any solidarity with anyone.” (emphasis his)

I feel a strong and fraternal solidarity with people who see the humor in everyday life, and refuse to take themselves, their own unserious exploits and other people too seriously. In brief, I feel solidarity with people sharp enough to see through your bullshit.

THE MOST IMPORTANT AUTHOR OF OUR TIME DEIGNS TO RESPOND TO OUR EFFORTS

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 13:12:20 -0400

THE MOST IMPORTANT AUTHOR OF OUR TIME DEIGNS TO RESPOND TO OUR EFFORTS:

Photo

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 12:36:19 -0400

"It's possible incidentally that the Gawker commentariat represents a class. It works at offices with good internet access (so these aren't restaurant workers or farm workers or police officers); despite having a lot more leisure time on its hands than most of the rest of the world, it is unhappy at these offices, sneaking onto Gawker when the supervisor steps away; and then it channels its rage (and also, let's face it, a great deal of ingenuity and wit)--rage and ingenuity that would more properly be directed at its employers--at random strangers who happen to find themselves posted about on Gawker." - Keith Gessen, via Gawker comment

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 12:17:38 -0400

First, and most importantly, you are a gigantic twat.

Having established this, let’s delve deeper and analyze Mr. Gessen’s latest piece of free copy for Nick Denton:

Saying that Gawker’s commenters represent a “class” is both offensive and indicative of a grossly antiquated Marxist worldview. What the fuck is class, anyway, these days?

Insinuating that Gawker commenters should direct their rage at their employers, rather than at people like you is further evidence of your outdated (and lame) outlook on the way the world works (or should work). Why should someone who has the leisure and freedom to read and express him/herself on a blog be angry at his/her employer? Perhaps some (most?) people who comment on Gawker don’t do so to avoid the drudgery of their workday, but rather enjoy it as a luxury of their job?

Employers who watch over the shoulder of their employees are increasingly rare, despite a net increase in the number of ways to do so. Working for a company that trusts its employees and doesn’t treat them like children is on par with good salary and benefits, for many people.

We don’t all work in factories as unskilled laborers, anymore. The fact that an increasing number of people aren’t dependent on unions and collective bargaining to carve out a comfortable, dignified career is one of the best developments of the so-called information economy.

Now, we have the leisure of debunking complete dipshits such as yourself, and not accepting them as some NYTBR-anointed member of the “cultural elite”, all while holding down a gainful, full-time job. I love America! I hate you.

Will Gessen Keep His Word and Turn this Stray Cat into THE MOST IMPORTANT CAT OF OUR TIME?

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 12:04:34 -0400

Will Gessen Keep His Word and Turn this Stray Cat into THE MOST IMPORTANT CAT OF OUR TIME?